breaking news....

nevermind.
we broke up.
hahahahaha.

<3

things that have been perplexing lately...

it has been forever.
and it really feels like so much time has passed.
i changed and i don't remember when it happened.
or how.
i feel crazier.
always questioning what is going on.
he makes me crazy,
i question everything he does and why he does it.
and i am unsure of my conclusions and their accuracy.
are my interpretations correct?
do they make sense at all?

does he just act the way he thinks i want him to be? or the way he thinks he should act?
is it an act?
can i trust him?
can i holy trust him so that i can let go of my questions and let my love flow free.
waves of anxiety wash over
will he leave me, no, i don't think so, not for a while probably.
But he is a surface dweller.
i believe he lives in a world less complex then my own.
his mind is simpler than mine, and even if it isn't, i believe it to be.
can i live feeling smarter than him?
knowing how blind he is.
how stupid he can really be. and i do believe him to be stupid sometimes.
there are moments to prove it.
but do i really need my life to be more complex.
especially since i feel my obsessions are intensifying.
but it is not just this point that has led me to question this relationship i am in.

it feels as if he does not care for me at times.
but i don't know if i'm just reading the situation(s) wrong.
if too many people are around, even if they know we are together, he wont touch me.
no public affection at all.
and i'm not really sure why.
it seems sometimes like i'm not even an interesting person to sit beside.
i struggle to spark conversation between us. he seems more interested in everything else.
but like, is that okay? am i being to needy? we are in public with other people, he does not have to talk to me.
am i seeking for too much attention?
i don't know what behavior on my part is appropriate.
jumping to my own conclusions would be a bad idea i feel.

we were at the bar the other night, with all our friends from work, after work.
a guy chris was there, i've slept with chris twice a couple months back.
nothing ever developed, we never really ran into each other until this night.
colin knows this
chris and his brother, nick, who was very cute, apparently were hitting on me,
it was pretty evident.
where was colin?
left the table and was talking to other people who had left me at the table with three guys,
two of whom were blatantly trying to pick me up.
obviously i was just humoring them, and i didn't want to be rude and ditch them because of the awkwardness i felt for the situation held between chirs and i.
should colin had been more 'protective' of me.
should i be glad i have such 'freedom'
it came up later on the walk home, but it was more of a joke.
the conversation sort of made some progress into discovering how colin really felt,
but i was a little to drunk to hear him clearly or interpret him correctly.
sometimes i let things go when he says them. i dont mean too, just more things are said and its too late to go back.
this one still confuses me.

why am i so afraid to ask him questions?
i fear that if i do talk to him about these things, he will leave me, but i feel that if i don't find resolutions, i will feel the need to leave him.
i don't know if he can have the kind of conversations i want to.
i could be wrong though.

i've also noticed a lack of interest on his part with the things that interest me.
he dosen't have to like the things i like, but atleast maybe be more interested in them,
show me that he cares about what i care about.
i love him for that way he feels for food.
but does he understand my passion, or even know what it is?
does he think about me when i'm not there,
and more over, does he think about things about me?
does he wonder? doesn't he want to know me?
or is he content on thinking life revolves around himself?
but is this entirely his fault?
am i not too to blame?
i haven't asked him how he feels about being an only child,
or how he felt about life before he found food.

And then there are the things that confuse me further.
he lets me do laundry at this house,
and sleep in and stay in his house on the mornings he leaves for school at 7am,
and cooks me breakfast on the weekends when i sleep over,
and gives me home-brew at no cost,
and maybe that it.
is that all?
oh no, i can just walk into his house with out waiting for the door to be answered.
that's five things.

i feel i give more.
perhaps that is just my character though.
but i still feel that his contributions are low.

i fear i have made my relationship seem horrible.
it is not bad.
we have a wonderful time together,
laughing and playing.
we have a video game we play collaboratively on story mode,
we have our own file. just ours.
and we always play it if i want to.
when we are together, i'm content.
but i also wonder how much of our time together is spent high.
i know it is not all the time.
does the drug mask something.
hide more flaws?
would we be more lost without it?
i don't think so.
but perhaps maybe.

but perhaps this relationship is meant to be humbling or some sort of a lesson.
showing myself that i am not dependent on another so heavily,
that i am still a functional person and can survive on my own.
that i can only really rely on myself.

i really just don't know anymore.


where are the real answers?