The world ended and turns out it's not so bad.

It's finally over.
My essay was a piece of shit.
But it's over, it's in, it's out of my hands.
Hurray!

I got a package today!
A new Oxford Dictionary and Thesaurus.
They are beautiful and awesome.
Step one of obtaining material objects to complete my life is complete!
Next step......a complete bed set.
I'm being an adult sooo hard.

Also, yesterday, work was awesome.
It wasn't busy at all, and I got to help Trevor make salads!
It was so cool. I found it hard partially because I was extremely nervous and intimidated.
Especially because Colin was there, and I didn't want to mess up.
I made some really cool looking plates though.
My ice terrine was awesome.
Even Trevor said it looked cool.
It was just so nice to finally get to do something different in the kitchen.
I mean, washing dishes is nice and easy, but actually making the food that goes out for the people to eat is such a different feeling.
And even on GM, you have to know what is going on and time your actions accordingly with the cooks and what they are cooking.
Confusing, but still pretty cool.
I also coated a flour-less chocolate cake with chocolate horribly. disgraceful.
Oh, well, back to washing the dishes today.

Also, also, Christmas staff party was on Sunday.
It was a hoot! HA
No, it was really fun.
We all did a secret Santa and I got a 25$ gift card to a music store on Barrington, which I plan on popping into on the way to work.
Food was amazing, courtesy of Noel and others. Mmmm.
And yea, fun times chilling in the kitchen.
Good people. A really great bunch. I'm very lucky.

In other wonderful news,
Colin is warming up much more to the idea of being public.
It's strange, you don't hang out with them for a couple days and BAM they are all over you for the next week. Silly boy that Colin
I'm enjoying our relationship, which seems like a silly thing to say.
I feel no pressure, little to no anxiety, and the speed at which we are progressing is comfortable.
He is more daring at work, trying to sneak kisses when no one it looking, and grabbing my ass, a lot, but hey it's a kitchen and we all grab each others asses.
It's just part of the job.
A little encouragement/punch in the ass never hurt nobody.
NEVER, except for that one time.
Anyways,
Colin is great and severely flawed.
<3

word count: 506

barf.

one more essay. well two, but the second is just a rewrite.

work in 45mins. gross.

can't wait for all my packages to arrive. objects make me happy. haha. kidding....

colin makes me happy, not that I need to him to be happy, but I am happy with him.

<3

Penciling more time...please?

Drawing is boring. It's true. But art isn't fun. It's hard, as it should be or you're doing something wrong, at least on university level, whatever that means.

Almost two done, and two left to go. Avoiding the faces, for obvious reasons. So far so good. Although I wasted a lot of time today. But I did get something done, which is more than nothing, which seems to be what I'm good at doing lately.

I have never felt so loose and fragile. I have a hard time remembering who I am. Men ruin me. I want to be able to myself without having to check to see if I'm doing it right. I want to relax but I'm afraid if I do, I will change into being something he doesn't want, which is ridiculous on several levels. We were great. But now you seem distant and have pushed me into a girlfriend box. You are equally ridiculous. I should kick you. Or maybe I should talk to you. You were my best friend and I don't know why that has changed.

I do need to relax, I want to, I hate being paranoid. When we were friends, I was great, you were great, we felt free when we were together. Please don't imagine me holding you back.

Wow, I need to chill. I shouldn't care this much or concern myself with negative thoughts. It's affecting me and changing me. I just need to focus on getting me right, and if things are meant to be, then they aren't, and if they are, they are. I'm creating my own problems. I need to trust, something which terrifies me. I need to stop surpassing the line of unreasonable questioning.

Once again, chill.

I'll sort this out later.

Finish drawing Grandpa, then go to bed.

nite.

it's me that is being weird.

Such a sassy boy.

It's almost over. This is when I struggle the most.
What's left:
- self portrait drawing
- final drawing series
- final photo project
- re write second essay
- final Canadian art essay

Argh. This semester has been such a test. So frustrating.
Just get it over with.

I hate struggling with myself. Nothing has gone smoothly.
I feel irritated.

hate being alone. hate not doing my work. hate not getting things right.